This time around we have Sandee's contest, which was to make something using ingredients that begin with the same letters as her name. Specifically, 4 out of 5 of S A N D E E. Given that my efforts to get "Newtons (of fig)" approved as an "N" entry all failed, I ended up making (or rather, trying to make)..... Lemon Almond (nutmeg) Pound Cake.
I am not, for reasons that will become obvious, going to post what the cake was supposed to look like. Let's stay positive, shall we?
Ingredients!
Every single thing you see there, other than the butter, I had to buy. I had no idea there was even something called "cake flour" in the world. By the way, I'm out of butter now.
Sugars and Sour Cream
I lacked the dedication to open 300 sugar packets to get a cup of sugar, and bought actual loose sugar.
Almonds
The bulk section at Wegman's is my friend!
Nutmeg
This nutmeg is probably worthy of Patty's pantry. I got it from my parents about 4 years ago, and I think it was 10 years old then. Only the very best for you!
Eggs
Eggs provided by chickens who live better than any of us. You may enjoy eat the cake guilt-free.
Suffice to say this recipe was considerably more complicated than anything I have attempted before. And, as we might expect, I in no way rose to the challenge; instead flailing miserably and ineffectively around my kitchen, making a mess and generally causing discord.
The final insult was forgetting that my oven runs a little hot, and that pound cakes are, perhaps, a little too delicate for the margin of error I tend to require. Thus the result:
"Cajun-style Blackened Pound Cake". Yep, it's all the rage.
I have hope that with a little clever trimming and a lot of confectioner's sugar, I can still save this. I am nothing if not determined.
It's cooking contest time, which of course means another blog entry! Why does it mean another blog entry? Because let's face it - I am much better at whipping up amusing blog posts than I am at creating food.
This contest theme was "stuffed", which immediately gave me what I thought was a clever and fun idea....the Cheesy Blaster.
Oh, how I plotted! I would make cheesy blasters, AND I would make vegetarian cheesy blasters with tofu pups! There would be no excuse not to try them! If I could not win the contest, I could at least make everyone suffer.
But no. Mr. Pete Brassett, also known as History's Greatest Monster, had to bring up his supposedly English delicacy of a "hot dog wrapped in a pizza". This led to a grand discussion of the cheesy blaster, thus completely ruining the surprise. Getting a cheesy blaster when you expect a cheesy blaster is not the same as having a cheesy blaster force itself upon you, unawares.
Conclusion : No Cheesy Blaster for you!
This naturally left me scrambling to come up with an alternative entry, but alas, my heart was no longer in it. I settled for my typical standard - something with very few ingredients and virtually no prep time. And, as is standard, I still managed to screw it up. So let us now enjoy the saga of the Pillsbury Chocolate Roll.
First, behold what the finished product is supposed to look like.
So appetizing! And so simple!
I went to Wegman's and faithfully bought the rather scant ingredient list. Following a "tip" from one of the many sad, lonely souls who regularly posts advice on Pillsbury.com (read by equally sad souls who appear to spend their days dreaming of winning the "Pillsbury Bake Off"), I decided to "punch up" this recipe and use Rolos in addition to chocolate chips. This is my desperate attempt to get possibly one vote from either Sandee or Patty.
The Rolos are in the little plastic baggie. And that's not a paintbrush, it's a basting brush. Because I'm all fancy, and I will be brushing these confections with sugar and butter.
I only bought 8 Rolos, because according to "PillsburyMama12", I only needed one Rolo per roll. This will henceforth be known as a lesson in "considering the source".
Trusting that "PillsburyMama12" and her internet pals would never steer me wrong, I began the process of compiling the rollups. First, I want to say that apparently you need to be some sort of wizard to get the dough out of the exploding canister. Not only are the canisters strangely hard to open, the resulting dough mess is stuck together, requiring far more dexterity to separate than I possess. The wedges were not uniformly sized, and I swear the dough reacted with the air over time and continuously expanded.
In short, I was already in over my head, and all I had done was open the package. Not good.
I began to put together the "rolo" version of the roll ups. Trusting the sage guidance of strangers on the internet, I staged the first Rolo Rollup to see how the ingredients fit.
The one rolo per roll rule seems...flawed.
It quickly became obvious that "PillsburyMama12" did not know her Rolos from her rollups, because putting just one Rolo in these (ever expanding) dough wedges would result in The Lamest Non-Treat Ever. Thus, I quickly converted to a two-Rolo scheme, and began creating the crescents.
As it turns out, this is harder than it looks.
Crescent, schmescent. I appear to have created some kind of Dough Mound. With Rolos in it.
Fine. I'm stuck with four mutated Rolo Blobs. But surely, with all that practice, I will do a much better job with the chocolate chips!
Generous chocolate chip dispersal in the hopes of avoiding the Rolo Mound issue.
And finally, they're ready to go in the oven, in all their mutated goodness.
If you look carefully, you'll see that I finally figured out how to roll them correctly on about #14.
And voila, the finished product -
They look far less like a mutant dough clump than before. And thanks to the butter basting, they aren't completely burnt! Success!
Returning to the picture of what they were supposed to be...
...Some ever-so-slight incongruities may be detected. Still - and this is rare for one of my entries - I'm fairly confident they taste good. Even *I* cannot screw up "stuff some chocolate chips in a pillsbury roll".
I promised to put up the finished product. Here it is! Snow peas? Olives? What an incredible, delightful vegetarian dish! I doubt anyone will even notice that I completely forgot the pita bread. Dare I say, this entry is a real winner?
It's cooking contest time, and that means another blog entry!
Today's post is white bean dip, also known as "something that didn't look too hard and didn't need to be heated up and also I could get the ingredients at Wegmans tonight".
As with any post, first I must recognize my kitchen helpers, Bianca and Buddy. Without their contributions, I probably wouldn't have tripped and spilled the first batch on the otherwise spotless kitchen floor.
Buddy finds a helpful out of the way place to lie.
Bianca is also nearby in case of emergency.
Not available - guest kitchen assistant Paul the husband and Duncan the 200+ pound Mastiff.
Hmm, have I padded this entry enough yet? Probably not. Here, just in case anyone thinks I'm joking about my sickly and broken animals and how much money they cost, is a picture of their daily medication.
Cosequin - $40...Tramadol - $57...Insulin - $135...Antibiotics - $25...Rimadyl -$55...Diabetic cat food - $1.25/can...knowledge that I will never retire - priceless.
Ok, ok, time to get to it. Time to assemble the ingredients! Wouldja look at all that? Clearly the person who went to such care to purchase so many items deserves to win!
Yes, indeed. You can't look at that cornucopia of healthful ingredients without thinking, "There's at least three." And that's the kind of praise I'm shooting for.
I realize that the sheer chaos of the earlier picture makes it hard for you, the viewer, to recognize the many, many (did I mention many?) ingredients. For this reason, I will call them out.
Fresh rosemary leaves! The recipe called for 1/2 a tablespoon, but the only measuring spoon I have is a tablespoon, so I filled it up what I considered to be "kinda a generous half way". It's skill like this that makes me a great chef-ess.
Garlic! First, like I'm mincing garlic for you people. Please. The recipe called for a clove, but I forgot how much minced garlic that was, so since this jar was almost empty, I made the executive decision that however much garlic I had, that was a clove.
The juice of half a lemon! That's right - I did not wimp out and buy lemon juice, and then make a random guess about how much juice would be "half a lemon". I purchased an actual lemon and cut it in half. That's the kind of excellence that says "winner", people.
Beans! Bean can opening action shot. Yeah, baby!
Beans in a can! Have you recovered from the can opening action shot yet? Were you ready for the results?
Rinsing beans! Wall to wall bean rinsing action. Not for the faint of heart.
Throw all the crap in a blender/processor! Ok...let's face it. It doesn't really look all that appetizing. But I'm stuck with it, so I'm going to pretend I think it is awesome.
Ready to blend! Seriously? A picture of the food processor? How shamelessly am I going to pad this, exactly?
Blendage! You're all a little nervous now, aren't you? You were all, 'oh, silly Beth and her dumb blog, she can't cook' and now you see the awesome results and are like, 'oh no, I totally misjudged her awesomeness, now I shall be shamed before all my friends!'. Yes, I choose to believe this is exactly what you think.
Storage! Amazing bean dip is stored overnight for enhancement of the flavor-fullness. Tomorrow, the assemblage with pitas and olives.
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